It’s competition.
It’s sports entertainment.
It’s hard to tell where you draw the line, but I can tell you that it has become a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week machine. TV channels and radio stations dedicated to nothing but sports. It’s a money making industry. Frankly, I’ve been addicted to sports for as long as I can remember. But when I was a kid, not long ago, it was different. It was all about having a team, your team, your players, which meant you had loyalty.
Now, the latest sports stories focus on the absolute details of athletes lives, their brushes with the law, and contract hold outs, it has become a circus. No matter what sport you fancy, somewhere lies a controversy . Every off season you’re guaranteed to hear the same old garbage spewed:
“It’s a business.”
“I’m just gonna test the waters and see what’s out there.”
“I want a new contract.”
“I want to be traded.”
Yeah it’s a business, a business where no one plays through the contract they signed. A business where the ridiculous is both shamed and celebrated. It’s a business where players are betraying your team, or coming to the aid of your team. The more I watch ESPN, it strikes me how much the professional sports has become more like the old school wrestling I watched as a kid, without the steel chairs of course. But maybe steel folding chairs wouldn’t be so bad compared to the antics of today’s superstar athletes. And is it any coincidence ESPN is right across town from the WWE headquarters in Connecticut? Seems like they share employees an awful lot.
Then I saw this video on youtube called “Lebron turns on Cleveland fans”(Link). It portrays Lebron as legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan when he infamously turned on the fans and joined up with a fan hated team. It’s a hilarious video and it inspired me to relate some of today’s biggest names and faces in professional sports to the characters in the old school wrestling I watched. I’m talking about the Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior years. You know, REAL wrestling, well, sort of, shut up, you know what I mean.
“The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiasi
This guy was great. He was the ultimate “heel” (bad guy). You couldn’t turn on wrestling and not see “The Million Dollar Man”. His claim to fame was being notoriously greedy, making a mockery of other wrestlers, trying to buy off opponents and even trying to buy the championship title. His catch phrase was “Everyone’s got a price!” And believe me if there was anyone that could ever resemble this guy…George Steinbrenner. Too Soon? Nah. He’d love it. Love him or hate him, you talked about him a lot no matter what. I always kinda pictured this guy swimming in a pool of gold like Uncle Scrooge in “Ducktales”. Like the Million Dollar Man, George would find everyone’s price in free agency, whether it worked or not. Easy to hate, impossible to ignore.
Vince McMahon
Proclaimed “Commisioner”, CEO, President, I don’t really know, but he is known for being responsible for the success of pro wrestling. He’s the man behind the curtain pulling strings and writing scripts for live action soap operas that millions of kids and uncles named Gus watch. And the key word is SCRIPT, it’s not real folks. But it’s hard to think there could be a commissioner of a professional sport I could relate to such a dude right?! David Stern. Duh! Facepalm! Since this guy’s been in charge of the NBA, there’s been countless conspiracy theories about fixed games, fixed drafts and some pretty dishonest game referees. I mean, hell, ‘David Stern’ itself kind of sounds like a hack wrestler’s name. I think the only thing keeping David Stern from being Vince McMahon is having started taking steroids at age 60 to somewhat resemble some of the athletes he’s surrounded by.
Razor Ramon
Oh yeah kids, I went there. *throws toothpick at you* Razor Ramon was this giant of a man. He was this greasy, Scarface type persona. Razor Ramon was a constant thorn in the side of all the fan favorite wrestlers.
Miss Elizabeth
Hubba, hubba. What a babe! Miss Elizabeth was a wrestling manager. This means she was the hot arm candy that would stand in her man’s corner while the rasslin’ took place. Miss Elizabeth was not a wrestler, and she managed a few big name wrestlers such as the Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Sting…etc Didn’t have to think too hard to think of a woman, who had nothing to do with sports, but was always around ‘em…hmmmm...Kim Kardashian. Helloooowatch ESPN.
Yokozuna
Sumo wrestler imported from Japan. Big. Fat. Real fat. Yokozuna’s claim to fame was being wicked fat, impossible to budge, and his finishing move was sitting his fat ass on some poor sap’s chest. So this one should be obvious…Albert Haynseworth. Another big, fat dude. Haynesworth made a name for himself in Tennessee for being a monster defensive tackle, whereas Yokozuna made his money by laying his fat ass on folks. Haynesworth waited 'til he got something like $100 million from the Washington Redskins before he started laying on his fat ass. (Bright side ‘Skins fans, Haynesworth finally cleared to PRACTICE.)
“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Good ol' Hacksaw may be one of the most popular wrestlers of all time. Yeah, he probably had a few screws loose, but you rooted for him. He’d be swinging around a 2x4 or he’d be pumping up the crowd yelling “oooOOOOHHH!!!” like a hundred times a night. Plus, he loved America, waving our country’s flag and starting U-S-A! chants, the guy looked straight outta the trailer park but could electrify a crowd…And you know who else loves America? Jared Allen.
Yeah this guy’s a trip. Although, he recently got married and stated he’s losing the mullet and cutting back on the mayonnaise, the guy’s still as nuts as they get. But no one can deny what he does on the field, a fierce DE on a strong Vikings defense. People will call him crazy, call him a jackass, but tell me you wouldn’t want him on your team!Doink and Dink
Doink the clown. Dink the clown midget. These two were actual pretty popular wrestlers. They were somewhat of a comic relief. They would harass the superstar wrestlers, whether it be pies to the face, trip wires, spraying water -- they’re clowns. Plus, one’s a midget…bonus. But relating two clowns to two professional athletes? Easy…too easy…so easy it’s actually kind of hard deciding on just one pair. I first thought of “Big Baby” Davis and Nate Robinson for antics and size differential…Then I thought of A.J. Burnett and Nick Swisher, seeing as somehow they’ve been dubbed ‘inventors’ of the pie after game winning hits….but then…free agency smiled upon me…T.O. and OchoCinco. The definition of clowns. Hell, I don’t care if one’s not shorter than the other, these guys win the Doink and Dink contest hands down. The circus these two guys are going to put on this year will be straddling that thin line between entertaining and nauseating…just like real clowns. And don’t forget that sideshow those two will have with Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson… If I don’t see 150 yards worth of touchdown celebration penalties I’ll be disappointed.
The Big Bossman was a wrestler with a policeman gimmick who looked a hell of a lot like John Goodman’s ‘Walter Scoback’ in “The Big Lebowski”. The Big Bossman oozed everything there is about why people hate cops. After a successful match, The Big Bossman would handcuff his opponent to the ring and beat him with a nightstick…laying down the law and serving up a hot dish of pain…Roger Goodell.
A Big Bossman in his own way, though, seems like most people are pretty big fans of the newest NFL Commissioner. He’s strict, demanding and his penalties are nothing to laugh about. The big difference between Roger Goodell and the Big Bossman? Roger Goodell doesn’t handcuff you and beat you with a stick…He invites you to his office for a ‘discussion’…then he handcuffs you and beats you with a stick and suspends you for a couple of games without pay. Tazz
Tazz was a wrestler best known for his “hardcore” matches. This means he frequently used foreign objects, like tables, chairs, pretty much anything that can be used as a weapon. Basically, this means the guy was a little hothead and often would break the rules of normal wrestling just to pummel his opponent with something more dangerous…These type of actions would result in a DQ…or in baseball…suspensions…Carlos Zambrano. Big Z and his tirades and meltdowns are no secret among MLB fans. Dude is pure loco. His enemies include: the opposing team, the umpire crew, his own teammates, water jugs, game equipment…anything within reach… Either way, I bet the Chicago Cubs pay their water boys and bat boys double just because of the extra work they have to do because of Big Z’s temper tantrums…But, it’s okay, he’s sorry.
Jimmy Hart
AKA “The Mouth of the South”. Jimmy Hart is an annoyingly famous wrestler manager, meaning, once again, he did not wrestle. Jimmy Hart’s only role was to promote his wrestlers and try to interfere with their matches so that his guys would have a better chance at winning. And he got his nickname “Mouth of the South” for guess what? Not shutting up…ever….Mark Cuban. Annoying non-Athlete.
As we speak, Cubes is probably setting up a press conference to complain about how he got screwed out of trying to buy the Texas Rangers. The guy doesn’t shut up, he’s cost the Dallas Mavericks more money than I could ever dream of having. But I do think he’s good for sports. Well, he’s at least good for a couple laughs. I’d like to see him own an MLB team if any of the “good ol’ boys” ever allow it. I’d like to see some teams other than NYY, NYM, BOS, CHC and DET spend some dough.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Jake The Snake was one of the most dominant wrestlers in his time. The gimmick Roberts used was to not only try to win the match fairly but he would bring a python snake to the ringside and try to prey on his opponents’ fears too.
And if Jake the Snake won, he would humiliate his opponent and let his pet snake coil up on the beaten body of his foes. I hate snakes..Kobe Bryant. The “Black Mamba”. Is it pure coincidence he also has a snake for a nickname? Well, yes, it definitely is purely coincidence. I’m not here to deny Kobe’s abilities, one of the best of our time, as Jake was one of the best in his. While Jake used a snake to psychologically intimidate and beat his opponents, Kobe used Shaq and Pau Gasol. Kobe, you still haven’t done it alone, contrary to your own beliefs. I HATE snakes.Mr. Perfect
Mr Perfect’s gimmick was that he was a gifted athlete who could perform the hardest tasks with ease. He went undefeated for quite a long period of time. Praised by peers as being “perfect” in the ring, and booed by crowds for his arrogance, Mr. Perfect was a polarizing figure. And make no mistake, this next guy is not perfect, but…Tim Tebow. He knows he’s not perfect, the world knows he’s not perfect. However, Tebow’s personality and character is a refreshing thing that professional sports desperately wanted. And I don’t think America’s in love with Tebow, I think they’re in love “with the idea” of Tebow. While Bible-thumping is never a good thing in my book, I’m glad there are no stories of him running an illegal dog fighting ring, or sexually assaulting young women in bathrooms. His skill sets are far from perfect, but he wins games. I’ll let you pass on this one Tebow, but let’s cut it out on the underwear ads huh? Also, look out for those Mormon women down south in Utah.
Koko B Ware
Koko was one of the most entertaining wrestlers of all time. He was always smiling, wearing the loudest most ridiculous clothes and came out dancing to a Morris Day and the Time song! And he was holding a live, giant parrot the whole time! I’ve never heard anyone say that they hated Koko B Ware. He was like a living junkaroo party. Emmitt Smith. I’ve never heard anyone say they hate Emmitt Smith. And after this weekend’s Hall of Fame speech, I dare anyone to say they hate him. I hate the Cowboys BUT I can’t hate Emmitt Smith. The guy was pure entertainment and always smiling. It didn’t hurt his game was damn good too. Plus, they sure did dress alike. Did you see Emmitt in Dancing with the Stars? Even better was the 1990 NFL Draft when Emmitt was wearing a polka dot suit…yup…polka dots.
Gold Dust
I can’t tell you too much about this wrestler other than the fact he was a total creep show. He wore gold make up all over his face, he would wear a long blond hair woman’s wig, and he would dress in drag on the regular. Oh yeah, his finishing move was kicking the other guy in the beanbag. A wrestler, dressing in drag, kicking guys in the nards…don’t look far…cuz we’re staying in the ring…Oscar De La Hoya. Weird…Oscar’s nickname is the Goldenboy. Even weirder is that it turns out that the Goldenboy likes to dress in drag, especially in women's lingerie while still wearing his boxing gloves. Can’t make this shit up. Well, at least De La Hoya doesn’t go around kicking guys in the nuts, right? Yeah, instead he gave the entire world a kick in the nuts costing around $50 for that embarrassing Pay Per View event with Floyd Mayweather Jr. I think a shot to the crotch would’ve been quicker and less painful than that joke.
Legion of Doom / Road Warriors
Doesn’t matter which name you remember these guys as, they were bad ass and known as one of the best tag teams in wrestling history. They wore face paint, had crazy haircuts, and they wore football shoulder pads with spikes coming out of them. Together they were a pretty unstoppable force for a pretty long time…Chris Johnson and Vince Young.
I’m a believer. I got lucky when I drafter CJ28 as a rookie in fantasy football two years ago and my wagon’s been attached ever since. Say what you want about VY but he just wins, baby. The way they played together last year at the end of a losing season was something to get excited for if you’re a Titans fan. The option is going to be a cornerstone of their offense this year. CJ28 and VY can both beat you with their legs and run for a long time. It’ll have you singing the Road Warriors’ theme song.rroooOOORRRR!! What a Rush!!!
Paul Bearer
Here’s a creeper for you, kids. Best known for managing and accompanying the Undertaker, this spooky little mortician would walk around with an urn, making perverse looks with his ultra-white face and uttering words with a voice meant for scaring children and disturbing babies. “ooOOoo the power of the urn!” Seriously how can anyone be that close to death?...Al Davis. Am I about to make the 8 millionth Crypt Keeper joke? Well if it weren’t so dead-on accurate I wouldn’t have to. How bout this instead…The Grim Reaper wears a leather Raiders jacket? Okay? Well, Al Davis looks like he’s as close to death as you come, and I’m not even making a Raiders joke, I think the team has a solid chance to be very competitive in their division this year and could see them going 8-8…My wish for this year…Scrap “Commitment to Excellence” motto, I want Al Davis on the sidelines driving a Rascal scooter rubbing an urn while squealing “oooOOooo the power of the Raiders”. Merry Christmas to us all, and a ninth night for the rest of yas!
Lex Luger
Lex Luger was known as “The Narcissist”. Before he would make his way down to the ring for a fight, he would stand in front of a mirror, flex his muscles and just adore himself. The other gimmick Lex Luger had was a running story line that he had a metal plate put into his forearm after a motorcycle accident. The problem was, this plate caused one of his arms to be super strong, and it was illegal for him to use in a match…So imagine that…an athlete who is narcissistic, would pose in front of mirrors, and put something illegal into his body….Alex Rodriguez.
Narcissist?
DX
DeGeneration X was a group of wrestlers who platformed themselves on being chauvinists. And boy was it entertaining! Sexual innuendos, pointing at their crotches, getting the crowd to yell “Suck It!”. …And I still do it! Just kidding, well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. DX was all for show, these guys were just on stage making jokes it’s not like they took it too far or actually assaulted women. I mean these guys are actors performing a script, sure they may be sending mixed messages to impressionable kids but at least they’re not grown men who think it’s okay to cheat on the mother of your children with a hundred women or sexually assault multiple women on separate occasions in bathrooms because of some sort of self entitlement…Tiger Woods and Ben Roethlisberger. I’m sure it’s tough being a star athlete, rich as hell and having women throw themselves at you. I’m sure you have been picked up by women before and have grown to feel some entitlement, I truly do. I suppose it comes with the territory. If that’s the life you want, do it! Just don’t get married…and public bathrooms probably aren’t a safe spot for bumping uglies. Derek Jeter’s had a million babes..he hasn’t had these problems…
But there’s a lot of members of DX…One in particular named X Pac.
And before he was X Pac he was the 1-2-3 Kid...
This wrestler really had no story or background except for one match when he upset Razor Ramon with the help of a quick 1-2-3 count thus making him, yup, you got it, The 1-2-3 Kid! So who else could join the likes of sex-driven DX while making himself known for a quick pin?...Rick Pitino. First of all, Rick, You beat the extortion, good job. Second of all, thank you for now letting me use “pitino” as a verb. It’s okay, dude. Every guy has “pitino’d” now and then it happens…It just so happens you did it with a woman who wanted to exploit you for cash. Ric Flair
I’m sure you know where I’m going with this one…This guy’s been around forever…He’s been around for longer than I’ve been alive…He was supposed to retire in the 90’s or something but I think he’s still kicking…And he would always come back to show some new, young star what being an old vet was like….Yelling his famous “WWOOOOOOOO!!!!” to the crowd…never got old…yawn…Brett Favre. We should all just accept the fact that you will come back every year and play until you die. Awww, you’re having fun…look at you…Every summer…does the old veteran still have it?...
Can he show the young qb’s how it’s done?...Aww look he’s growing a beard…You’re a good QB, everyone knows it, so stop it….STOP IT!...Ric Flair does it like clockwork….Makes a comeback…takes on the young hot shot…gives a “WOOOO!!” and the inevitable figure 4 leg lock to win!!!! And you’re gonna yell “WOOOOOOO!!!”
And you Brett Favre, just like clockwork, you’re going to appear, show the young kids how it’s done, you’re gonna go be a “gun slinger” and then the inevitable interception in a crucial game at a crucial time to screw your team…just like clockwork.
woo.
Well folks, that was fun….ladies, if you made it this far I probably owe you a dinner or an explanation…..goodnight and good luck…
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