this is awkward

written by Joseph Kuczynski
It’s Friday morning around 11 am, and I’m about to make a very difficult decision. I have to have a heart to heart with baseball and tell her that I’m leaving her… for football.

I invite baseball to a luncheon at a nearby diner and when she shows up I can tell she senses something isn’t right (we usually only get together around 1 on weekends for day games).

Now the typical hug and kiss hello is a more distant peck on the cheek. For me, the spark is gone. It’s been gone since the Sox lost 2 of 3 to Rays at the Trop.

I just get a coffee, and baseball insists on a beer and a dog but I don’t want to be there longer than I have to. With that in mind, I get right into it.

“I feel like I need to see other sports…”

Baseball is devastated and yet not surprised.

“If this is about the playoff thing, listen, the Sox aren’t even out of it yet. They could rally! Maybe the Rays will fall off or the Yankees will tank!”

Now baseball’s grabbing at straws, trying a last ditch effort to bring me back. But I know the odds and it’s not looking good.

“Listen, it’s not your fault, how could we have known there would be so many injuries to overcome. How could we have known the rotation would be slow out of the gate? Baseball, it’s not you, it’s me…”

“It’s that tramp football! You always wanted me to be more physical! That’s not who I am!”

She hit the nail on the head. It was true. For the past few weeks I’ve been ignoring her, putting her on the back burner while I can’t help but notice the fresh face of football. The offensive and defensive schemes, the hot young talent, the Pats even got a new Polish tight end. I’m Polish! We’re perfect together! But I can’t tell baseball that…

“You’re an American classic, you’re great. I just need something else right now. I can’t sit and watch the Red Sox Triple-A squad trot out every game and pretend I don’t miss Youk or Pedroia. But Brady looks so good this year…”

Oops. I just slipped, now the jig is up.

“It is football! I’ve given you 162 games, and what’s she got? Sixteen games. That’s ten times less! We still have 20 games left and you go running back to that pretty boy Brady…”

“Don’t talk like that, baby, you knew what this was. How am I supposed to watch the Sox limp to a finish and not get excited over a brand new football season with Brady throwing to Moss and Welker coming back so quickly from injury? Maybe if the Sox healed as quickly as Welker we wouldn’t have to have this talk.”

Now I’ve really dropped the ball. No two ladies like to be compared, especially when you’re trying to pull a switcheroo.

“Fine, I hope you and football have a great season! But when you hit the bye week in October, don’t come looking for me with playoff hopes.”

“That’s fair. I know you’ll make some fans real happy this year. But you stay away from Scott… I think the Yanks have had enough luck last year.”

“Oh, and Joe… you’ll be back. You always come back.”

She’s right. But it’s over for now. I can go back to being a one sport man. Well, at least until October 26th when I’ll be two timing with the Celtics. But I don’t want to focus on that now. I have a date in Foxborough Sunday at 1.

lovable losers and another season of mediocrity

Marlins center piece, Hanley Ramirez

By BEA
    Another baseball season has reached the so-called “Dog Days of Summer,” and your Florida Marlins are once again stuck in the middle. Los Marlins pulled to a game over .500 by annihilating the Washington National by outscoring them 21-8 and by virtue sweeping their 3 game set. However, The Marlins, as they have throughout their franchise history, with the exception being their 1997 and 2003 World Series Championships, lost their momentum in Cincinnati and were swept in three straight games while failing on 27 attempts to get a runner in scoring position home. To be a Florida Marlin fan is akin to chasing your dream girl or guy, as you believe you are inching closer to sealing the deal, and that the prospect of landing this person is promising, she/he drops the bombshell and laughs in your face telling you that you had no shot in the first place. Likewise, Jeffrey Loria, the notoriously frugal owner of the Marlins promises the South Florida fan base that their favorite baseball team will indeed make the playoffs in 2010. He tells you that the team has all of the components of a winner, and thus, the prospects of making the playoffs are promising. You, the fan, revel in these statements and truly believe that the Marlins, who have won two World Series in a span of 13 years, and who finished with a surprising 87 wins in 2009, had all of the tools in place to make the 2010 playoffs. But, remember, the Marlins have the fourth lowest payroll in baseball and an owner who claims he is losing revenue on a yearly basis. However, back to reality Marlins Fans, these guys, Owner Jeffrey Loria, Team President David Samson and General Manager Larry Beinfest, and Michael Hill (The Brain-trust, if you will), led you on, and barring a near-perfect stretch to conclude the 2010 Major League Baseball season, the Florida Marlins will once again be stuck in mediocrity, most likely finishing in third place in the National League East, as they did in 2009.

THE OFFSEASON: 2010
    Jeffrey Loria promised Florida Marlin Fans that 2010 was their year. He stressed that the pieces of the puzzle were there; that all the Marlins needed to do was play as they did in 2009, and that would be enough to make the playoffs. Loria, channeling his inner Nostradamus, predicted that his team would be playing in late October. These illusions/dreams of grandeur are wonderful and all, but that is what they are: illusions, dreams, and downright lunacy! Although the Marlins payroll to Win % is the best in baseball, if doesn’t mean much when next to no money is spent and the team overachieves, if the guy calling the shots is making empty playoff declarations.

Let’s recap Larry Beinfest’s offseason moves:

J.J. posted a 15-5 record with a 3.23 ERA in 2009

THE GOOD: Ace Josh Johnson, the anchor of the pitching rotation, a future Cy Young Award Winner, had an incredible 2009 season. Johnson posted a 15-5 record, with a 3.23 ERA, which is amazing in itself due to the 13 no-decisions he faced because of the hitter-friendly Marlin Bullpen. During the offseason, fans all over South Florida were screaming contract extension for JJ. While the 100 or so fans who fill up Landshark/Joe Robbie/Dolphins Stadium/Sun Life on a nightly basis were crying for JJ to be signed, MLB was breathing down Loria’s neck demanding that he spend money. In the midst of MLB taking a cattle prod to the Marlin’s coffers, Loria signed JJ to a 4 yr. deal worth about $39 million. This deal will go down as the bargain of the century, as Barry Zito, who is a decent pitcher, signed a seven year $126 million deal and has an 8-6 2010 record with a mid 3.00 ERA, while JJ is 10-5 with a 2.27 ERA and would be about 20-5 if the bullpen knew how to pitch! All summer we heard that Dan “Cigarette Toting, Power Hitting” Uggla was going to be traded, as the Fish wanted to move Chris Coghlan to 2nd base. However, the Marlins stood pat, and Uggla has rewarded their patience with a superb 2010 season thus far. Finally, a diamond in the rough a la Ross Gload was found in Donnie Murphy. Murphy, a career backup, most notably with the Oakland Athletics, has become utility man extraordinaire. Murphy has produced 4 walk off wins this season, and has played very well in his limited playing time.

Nick Johnson signed with the Yanks in the offseason

THE BAD: Traded Matt Lindstrom for BONO, well not the U2’s lead singer, although he would have helped to fill up the seats in Sun Life Stadium. But back to the trade,  Matt was traded for Bono’s not so famous third cousin  Robert Bono, well he probably isn’t related to the U2 front man and a guy named Jorge Jimenez; great trade as they were both released before the season started. Ross Gload, the major league leading pinch hitter (21) in 2009 was allowed to defect and signed with their division rivals, the hated Philadelphia Phillies. And all the Marlins did was anoint Emilio “light hitting” Bonafacio as his heir apparent. For Beinfest’s next act, he allowed two valuable relievers, Kiko Calero and Brendan Donnelley to sign with other National League Squads. Jeremy Hermedia was traded to the Red Sox for a pair of socks, although that loss did not hurt as fans despised their former 1st round pick. Nick Johnson was allowed to sign with the Yankees, even though he taught Marlins players patience at the plate.  Beinfest, Samson, and company, as they do every offseason, made a trip to the Scrapheap Junkyard to find some relief help. Here, the dynamic duo and friends found some bargain bin models (pitchers). They found a 1995 Mazda Millennia in Jose Veras, who wore out his welcome as a setup man to Mariano Rivera in New York. All Veras has done this season is post an ERA over 4.00 and was sent down to Triple-A to work on his “amazing” mechanics. Next, they found a few beat up 1991 Nissan Sentras, in Seth McClung, Mike McDougal, Derrick Turnbow, and Scott Strickland. The former three were released before the 2010 season started and Strickland has appeared in a game. As you can see, the offseason was not one to write home about. Addition by subtraction could have worked for a superior team like the Phillies, however, the Marlins, who had glaring holes in the bullpen and were in need of a #5 pitcher, failed to make a splash and stuck with their M.O., DO NOT SPEND AT ALL COSTS!

Dan Uggla has 27 HRs and 73 RBIs in 2009

THE MEDIOCRE-WHAT HAS GONE RIGHT: The Marlins could not find a trade to their liking, so they kept their cigarette toting, power hitting second baseman Dan Uggla, around for another season. Uggla  has produced 27 Home runs thus far this season and all he has done is become the Marlins MVP. Uggla has carried this offense on his back all season long, as he has produced a team leading 73 RBI’s. It seems as if his newly ordained 4th spot in the batting order has truly allowed him to elevate his game to the next level. The Marlin season started off slow, and this spelled doomsday for Manager Freddi Gonzalez. In a game v. the Arizona Diamondbacks, Hanley Ramirez, the Superstar Shortstop of your Marlins, failed to hustle for a ball that rolled into left field. Hanley was taken out of the game and was told that he would be suspended until he apologized to the team. Ramirez eventually did apologize; however, he threw his manager under the bus, stating that Freddie wouldn’t know about playing the game because he never reached the major league level. Freddie, applauded for his stance was fired a couple of weeks later due to the Marlins failure to crack above the .500 level. Many believed that mudslinger Bobby Valentine would become the next in line to manage the fish, however, the Marlins chose to bring up Triple-A manager Edwin Rodriguez and his bench and hitting coaches from the minors. This move was thought to inject life into the wobbling baseball team. In the midst of Hanley’s impersonation of a more famous Ramirez, Manny, Gabby Sanchez quietly plugged away and had an amazing first half and thus far a solid second half of this 2010 season. Gabby is in the top ten for most categories across the board for Rookies, and has led the team is Batting Average for most of the season. Gabby, who had to compete with fellow rookie Logan Morrison for the 1st Base job during the offseason, has wowed executives across baseball. His presence at the plate has been remarkable for a rookie evidenced by his .290 average and his defense at First Base is likewise solid. Chris Coghlan slumped badly for the first part of the season, but he found his rookie of the year (2009) form until a celebration would end his season. Not known for being very nimble on his feet, Coghlan attempted to pie Donnie Murphy after one of his many walk off wins. Channeling his inner Moe, Larry and Curly, he tore his meniscus after falling flat on his attempt to pie Murphy in the face. Cue up Logan Morrison, who has filled in admirably in Left Field, and is a promising player for this Marlin team. The biggest story was Josh Johnson’s first half, leading the league in ERA. JJ would lead the league in wins, if it were not for Leo, Jose, Clay, Taylor and the other no-named Scrap Heap Bullpen. He has had over 12 game blown by the bullpen. Ricky Nolasco, who has 13 wins and Anibel Sanchez pitching with a mid 3.00 ERA have been solid holding down the #2 and #3 Starting Pitchers roles respectively. However, Chris Volstad has been very inconsistent and quite the disappointment. Chris has hovered around the major league level for the last three years, and it seems as if his “stuff” has deteriorated over the years. He went from a 2008 6 win 4 loss season with a 2.74 ERA to a 9-13 2009 to a 6 win 8 loss 2010 campaign with an ERA of almost 5! There is no need to address the #5 pitcher, because this revolving door will continue until the Marlins spend some money!

THE MVP of this team so far has been Dan Uggla.

The Rookie of the Year should be Mike Stanton (pictured below)

Stanton pictured above, well, his clone,
Herman Munster (Imploring Loria to spend money!)

The most important contribution has come from the Paul Bunyan wielding, power hitting, Giancarlo “Mike Stanton” Cruz. Stanton has been on a major tear lately at Right Field, as he is batting .270, and already has 14 HR and 39 RBIs in only 54 games. He has combined to belt 34 HR’s between the minor and major league level. This guy is a stud, and shall become a force to reckon with over the years, as he has done all of this at the tender age of 20! Michael has been compared to a young Dave Winfield, and Winfield himself was in awe of Stanton after watching him take batting practice in San Diego.
The much maligned bullpen does boast one diamond in the rough, by the name of Clay Hensley. Hensley was signed for the price of a hot dog, and he has responded by solidifying the setup role, with an ERA in the 2.00’s; however the same cannot be said for any other member of that nuclear imploding ‘pen. Another bright spot in the first half was Ronny Paulino who filled in on a permanent basis when John Baker went down with an injury. Paulino showed the Marlins’ brass that he could be an everyday player and not just a situational catcher who batted vs. lefties. However, Paulino has faded down the stretch and has seen his batting average dip from about .290 to .264.

THE MEDIOCRE: THE REASON FOR THE MARLINS .500 RECORD AND WHY A 

PLAYOFF RUN IS OUT OF THE QUESTION FOR 2010: 

Renyel, as thin as he is good

THE BULLPEN: The Florida Marlins are by no means world beaters. Outside of the aforementioned Loria, everyone else had them finishing in third in the NL East behind Atlanta and Philadelphia. However, had the Marlins retooled the bullpen, and had clutch hitting off the bench been addressed, this season would have been different from the last few. But, as always, no spending equals no result.  Let’s first run down the bullpen, or lack thereof. The former Yankee great (can you sense the sarcasm?), Jose Veras,  was so bad in the earlier parts of the season, that he was optioned down to Triple-A. Veras has calmed down over the past few weeks, however, he has largely been a disappointment sporting a 4.00+ ERA.  Dan Meyer, who was solid last year, has imploded and has been stuck in Triple-A for most of the season. Meyer models an ERA of close to 10.00! It has gotten so bad, that Taylor Tankersley, sporting a handlebar mustache (below), was brought up from Triple-A as the left-handed savior. Pundits raved about Tankersley ability to strike out lefties. All Mr. Handlebar has done is posted a 6.75 ERA, giving up 10 runs in his 12 innings of work. Once Freddie was fired, Edwin Rodriguez had no choice but to put Tankersley in the ballgame vs. lefties. The man known as the Hopper, Burke Bandenhop, got off to an atrocious 2010 campaign. The Hopper has an ERA of 4.15, and gave up a grand slam v. the Braves, by Brooks Conrad in July. Hopper posted a 10.38 ERA in May/April and was likewise optioned down to Triple-A. Next up is the lovable Renyel Pinto. Pinto is to the Marlins fans as Lebron is to Charles Barkley, fodder, and hated. Barkley hates Lebron because he is younger, a much better basketball player than Sir Charles was and made his decision to chase a title before he became flabby. Now, Marlins fans hate Pinto because he is flabby, young, and a waste of space. Well, Marlins fans rejoiced when the walk-king, Pinto, was released by the Marlins after giving up another home run, and has been spotted as an usher on Broadway, walking ticket holders to their seats. Leo Nunez, the prodigal son, is not as advertised. Leo had a solid 2009 season, however, his 2010 season has been mired by inconsistency. Leo has blown a league leading 7 saves, most of those being Josh Johnson starts. Leo has thrown his breaking pitches far too much and his ERA at one point was closing on mid 3’s. The lack of bullpen depth at the front and the back of the bullpen has severely hampered the Marlins chances at closing and winning ballgames.  The Marlins made one off the radar trade by acquiring Will Ohman from the Baltimore Orioles for Rick Vanden Hurk. The Fish have a penchant for trading for lefty specialists, as they have traded for Nick Johnson (albeit a hitter) and Arthur Rhodes, over the last two to three years. This trade would have benefited the Marlins if it has been conducted over the off-season, however, Ohman’s impact will be marginal due to where the Marlins currently sit in the division (10.5 games back of the Braves).

Cody Ross hit 24 HRs and 90 RBIs in 2009

PLATE PRODUCTION: The second sore spot has been the production with runners in scoring position. Although Dan Uggla has clearly been the MVP of this team offensively, clutch hits have been few and far between all season. Take for instance, this past weekend’s series versus the Reds. The Fish were an abysmal 0-27 with runners in scoring position. Yes, you read that correctly, they stranded 27 runners who were on second or third base in three days. Cody Ross’s  power production has dropped off dramatically from last season, as he only has 10 HR’s this season, compared to last year’s 24.

Past Trades: Larry Beinfest, David Samson, and Michael Hill, the brain trust of the Florida Marlins, have been given far too much leeway and not enough criticism for the trades they have made over the past few seasons. The worst of the trading, was sending All-Star, and probably the best hitter not named Pujos, Miguel Cabrera, to the Tigers for Cameron “Missing in Action” Maybin, Mike “Out of baseball” Rabelo, The aforementioned Burke Badenhop, and Andrew “erratic, Minor Laager” Miller. This trade will go down as the worst in franchise history, as the Marlins have reaped zero benefits by trading arguably the best player in team history. Next, we move on to the curious case of Emilio Bonafacio. The brain trust traded Josh Willingham, who has thrived playing for the Nationals and promising lefty Scott Olsen to the Nationals for the aforementioned Bonafacio. With the exception of the start of the 2009 season in which Emilio tore the Nationals apart, Bonafacio has been a bust, who cannot hit, cannot bunt, and has been exclusively used as a pinch runner and utility player. Willingham has been a solid veteran and is batting about .270 with 16 HR. Thus, another terrible trade by the Marlins front office. However, to be fair, this group did trade for an unknown Hanley Ramirez, but they gave up their best pitcher in Red Sox ace Josh Beckett.

The clueless lefty Taylor Tankersley

    So there you have it, a lack of pitching, timely hitting and defense has clearly derailed the Marlins 2010 title quest. Realistically, the Marlins had no shot at the World Series with this bunch of lovable losers. With the exception of Josh Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Gabby Sanchez, the rest of the bunch have been wildly inconsistent at one point of the season or another. Heading into the last 2 months of the season, the front office needs to start thinking about a #5 starting pitcher and a facelift to the bullpen. Until the league’s second lowest payroll starts to increase (predicted to be 2012 in time for the unveiling of the new stadium), the Marlins will be stuck in the middle, and stuck in mediocrity.

Whoa Dockta!

In 1971 Dock Ellis was a 19-game winner

By Scott A. Kantor

    In the history of baseball, there has been 268 no-hitters.  One of those belongs to Dock Ellis, who on June, 12, 1970, while starting for the Pittsburg Pirates, threw a no-hitter against the San Diego Padres.  What was crazy was that on the day of the game he was visiting friends in Los Angeles under the belief that he was not starting that day.  It wasn't until his girlfriend showed him the local sports section which slated him as the starting pitcher that night.  Dock hopped on a plane, made his way to the ballpark, and pitched himself into the records books.  While that is in and of itself a pretty "neat" story about baseball, what makes the story really interesting, is that Dock Ellis pitched his no hitter while high on LSD. 

    In April of 1984 Dock Ellis came clean about that crazy day in 1970.  Dock claimed that when the team plane arrived in San Diego for their game later that night Dock asked the manager if he could go visit some friends because Dock believed he had an off day to which the manager obliged.  It was then that Dock dropped the LSD under the belief that he could mellow out in L.A. with his friends.  After making his drive to Los Angeles the LSD kicked in and he was partying with his friends, as planned.  Dock's LSD trip must have been pretty heavy because as he puts it, it caused him to pass out.  His slumber was ended when his girlfriend woke him up telling him that he was to pitch that night.  After arguing with the girlfriend about what day it was, she showed him the sports section's probable pitchers for the night, and low and behold his name was on there.  Freaked out, he grabbed his things, an hopped on a $9.50 flight (if only that were the cost today) to San Diego still ripped out of his mind on LSD.

Dock was considered an eccentric

    Dock arrived at the park an hour and half before his 6:05 pm start.  Back in those days, and most likely still today, most baseball players were taking stimulants before games to give them a bit of a pep - it is a long season and often it is hard to play day in and day out.  Well, Dock was no different, and no stranger to drugs as we can tell.  Dock claimed that he had a person in every city who could get him the best stimulants.  Dock's contact was seated in the front row.  A blond lady with the best stimulants around passed him a golden bag with the golden stuff.  He popped yet some more drugs, and the game began.

    Dock claimed that he felt the LSD euphoria throughout his start.  He claimed that he never really saw what the batters were doing, just which side of the plate they were on.  He claimed that sometimes the ball looked huge, and other times really small.  Sometimes he could see the catcher, and other times he couldn't.  And when a slow roller came back at him, he freaked out thinking it was going to knock him down, so he jumped off the mound.  The ball just barely reached the shortstop who was forced to make a difficult play to first.  And when Dock went to cover first base later in the game, he made the routine play but in his mind it was like he had performed magic, and all he could think was, "man I just made a touchdown."

In 1971 Dock won a World Series Ring w/the Pirates

    Dock said that the players from both teams knew he was under the influence of some type of drug, but they didn't know what drug.  At the end of each inning Pirates rookie second basemen, David Cash, would make comments to Dock about the fact he was throwing a no-hitter.  To those who don't know, this is a baseball no-no, and Dock could sense the tension from the other players.  Tension that was causing Dock to freak out a bit.  By the fourth inning Dock's stuff began to get a bit wild.  He hit a couple of batters, loaded the bases, and even threw the ball directly into the dirt in front of him.  He was able to get out of these jams but all in all he walked eight batters in the game.  Despite these major glitches, that might otherwise end a starters day, Dock Ellis had completed a no-hitter and the Pirates won 2-0 all while high on LSD.

ya gotta pull from the roots

By Scott A. Kantor    

Before they even had their first hit album The Roots had been in the game for 12 years.  The band had minor success with "Do You Want More?!!!??!" and "Illadelphia Halflife," but the band remained an underground sensation until their 1999 release "Things Fall Apart" went gold.  But what is more impressive about this multi-talented band, is that in the rap industry, where as Chris Rock said it, "you're here today, gone today," the number one Roots crew has showed staying power, and like Frank, they did it their way.

    But why stop at rap?! The longevity of The Roots is impressive even in the broader category of music.  This is because they have figured out how to stay, by remaining on the cutting edge.  Music is ever evolving, and rap is no exception.  The foundation of rap music just like any form of creation, is to take a little bit of what the person did before them, and make it their own.  All music does this.  It's called influence.  And when you listen to any Roots album from "Do you Want More?!!!??!" to their new release, "How I got Over," you are sure to hear a different influence each time.  The reason for this is that The Root's leadership, lyricist Black Thought and drummer ?uestlove, bring differenet ideas to the table while finding a single middle ground, the desire to move forward.  Black Thought brings a rugged rap sounds that is not only skilled but true to (oddly enough) the roots of hip hop.  He has swagger, not the kind you hear in ridiculous songs now, actual style that brings you back to the days of Public Enemy, or Rakim and Eric B.  While ?uestlove brings in the eccentric music stylings with influences like Herbie Hancock all the way to Daft Punk, and everything in between.  

    The Roots don't fit into the typical rap mold.  Behind the rapping Black Thought, is more than your typically found DJ's.  Instead, their is an entire band, fully equipped with guitars, key board, and often with a beat boxer.  And the band is good, becoming so popular that they've been asked to provide backup to Jay-Z on MTV's Unplugged, and have become the band for Jimmy Fallon's late night show.  By the way, Jimmy, stop freakin' laughing in every sketch you have ever been in.  Their music often take on sounds found in jazz, blues, rock, indie, house, old school, and hardcore because of their wacky genius of a drummer, ?uestlove.  The combination is well put together and there is nothing else in music that comes even close to resembling it.  

   From 1987 through 2010 The Roots have seen the likes of DMX, Eminem, 50 Cent, the birth, fall, rebirth and fall of Dr. Dre, and Cash Money Millionairs amonst countless other acts come and go.  But their path hasn't always been a smooth one.  When the band first gained steam Black Thought was not the only rapper.  He was joined by fellow lyricists Dice Raw, and Malik B.  That is until 2001 when the band forced out Malik B. from the group because of drug problems.  However, the band's 2002 album, "Phrenology" contained the song, "Water," detailing how Black Thought and Malik B. met one another and eventually became essential in the development of the Roots. Thought's intentions were to make Malik aware of his potential talent, and to encourage him to stop using drugs.  Things turned around as he joined the band as a featured contributor on both their 2006 and 2008 releases.  Throughout the band's storied career there has been chatter of a break up.  Including an article in the Source coming during the promotion of their 2004 release of "The Tipping Point," where both Black Thought and ?uestlove left readers wondering if both had ideas of taking their careers in opposite directions.  However, six years has past since the article hit newstands and The Roots remain on top of the industry.

   The band that began their career reminding us "never do, what they do," has stuck by their promise, and as a result they have remained in the forefront of not only rap but all of music.  The year is 2010, and in the Roots thirty three year career they have put out ten studio albums, a number of live albums, won a grammy, and continue to tour like they're Dave Matthews.  Now how many rappers can say that?


  Just because I like you...here are some of my personal favorite Roots songs from over the years...enjoy:


The Seed 2.0





The Fire (ft. John Legend)





The Next Movement





Long Time



One Shine

10 Starts and Thousands of Opinions

By Joe K...no no no, too revealing...J. Kuczynski

    On Tuesday Stephen Strasburg came off of the DL for his 10th career start against the Marlins. Four and a third rocky innings later, Strasburg’s day was done after giving up six earned runs on six hits and walking two while striking out four. With his third loss of the season Strasburg’s record now stands at 5 and 3 and even with today’s struggles he still holds an ERA just over three (3.07 to be exact). And so with ten starts officially in the books now seems a good time to make some serious assessments on the twenty-one year old talent.

    A lot of powerful words have been thrown around rating Strasburg’s talent. Now I’m fine with giving him the “phenom” badge, there aren’t too many young talents with the skill set that Strasburg’s got. But in any case where a player is already written off as “the next best thing” without putting in any real time on the professional level, well that really grinds my gears. Such a rule goes for professional across the board, and that’s why seeing Sam Bradford making more money than your more established players.  Butm to get back to the Nationals future hall of famer… just kidding… getting back to Stephen Strasburg, there is NOW a significant sample size to prvode for intelligent debate on where the flame thrower (with a top 5 highest average fast ball “flame thrower” does seem warranted) might wind up in the big book of baseball lore.

    Okay, so let’s start with life before the Nationals. In his pre-MLB career Strasburg was untouchable. For his senior year at San Diego State he had an eight to one strike out to walk ratio and an ERA that wouldn’t amount to enough change for a gumball (0.63). As far as awards go, I could fill this article with more college and semi-pro awards than we all even knew existed. But while these are all enough points to cement Strasburg as one of the greatest college pitchers ever, the question remains, what exactly does this mean for this youngster's MLB career. To put it simply, it means jack. Many players who never see the college scene are plucked from high school and placed into the minors despite not being old enough to grow a sweet Wade Boggs mustache. Many players were said to be too small in college and told that they’d never make it to the show (cough Dustin Pedroia). Now not all high school talent is turned to gold, and there are a lot more career minor leaguers than MLB all stars, but the point stands that nothing is guaranteed, be it fame or failure.

    Some things from college life don’t change however. For instance, I still enjoy a cold beer, and Stephen Strasburg still throws really hard. We’re talking triple digit hard. He also has some devastating breaking balls that both buckle knees and keep batters guessing. When there’s about a twenty mile per hour difference between pitches, it makes the batters job a hell of a lot more difficult. So, between his 98 mile per hour fastball, a ridiculous change up, and a deep hooking curve, no one is saying that he doesn't have the stuff.  However, as we have seen, "stuff" doesn't always translate into major league success (see Kerry Wood's career -- young starting phenom marked as the next big thing, through injury and failure has struggled to work as a set up man).  Stamina and nerves are not found on the back of your old Upper Deck baseball cards, yet these tools are so very crucial in a sport that’s ninety percent mental, and thirty percent physical…wait…what?

    What I want to do, as crazy as it is sounds, is use in-game performance solely to hit on the strengths and weaknesses of the power righty. For the most basic pitching stats, we have a very respectable 3.07 ERA, averaging a hair under eight strikeouts a start against 17 walks. That eight to one college strike out to walk ratio has gone down to five to one, yet he’s still striking out just over a third of the batters he faces (almost twice as many strike outs averaged by the rest of the league). Strasburg still attacks the batters hurling about 66% of his pitches for strikes, about 3 points above the league average. Strasburg clearly has the ability to paint the strike zone, but he still has to build his confidence and get used to the pressure.

    Before Tuesday’s game, every batter that Strasburg has faced in a 3-0 count has forced a walk. Granted, that’s only three batters, but most power pitchers can come back to work the count a little more in their favor. Opponents are only batting .216 against Strasburg but with runners on this number jumps to .296. Should that runner be in scoring position with two outs, the average is a favorable .333 for the hitter; a clear sign that Strasburg still needs to adjust under the big lights.  Depending on how you value wins and loses for a pitcher, five wins in ten starts may seem pretty mediocre. This is where we have to remind ourselves that the Nationals aren’t exactly a dominating franchise. A combination of shaky defense and poor run support should be taken into account. In Strasburg’s first two losses the Natty's supported their ace with a grand total of zero runs (I’ve scored that many runs in the pros). This leads me to believe that wins and loses are a poor stat to use in evaluating a pitchers performance. Wins and losses are just as much a team stat as it is a pitching stat. The best pitchers don’t always win twenty games a year, just ask Zack Greinke.

    So, lets see what we have learned today. Strasburg has the talent and the pitches to be an all star, but not this year (crazy to think he was almost an all star this year with only seven starts, ridiculous). Understandably he’s going through growing pains while adjusting to big league bats. But weighing the pros and cons, Strasburg is still an exciting prospect to watch with a lot of promise. I’m not ready to build his plaque for Cooperstown just yet, but it should be interesting to watch Strasburg develop. No one here is trying to discredit a growing ball player, just trying to observe all angles and bring a little realism to an otherwise over hyped media machine. For a rookie, he is well on his way but to call a pitcher great it has to be based on a body of work filled with clutch performances, playoff success, and overall dominance. Right now, no matter what we think Strasburg’s final body of work will look like, only one thing is absolute. We’re still just guessing.

I submit: Sports v. Rasslin’

By Johnny McFlannel

It’s a business.
It’s competition.
It’s sports entertainment.
It’s hard to tell where you draw the line, but I can tell you that it has become a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week machine.  TV channels and radio stations dedicated to nothing but sports.  It’s a money making industry.  Frankly, I’ve been addicted to sports for as long as I can remember.  But when I was a kid, not long ago, it was different.  It was all about having a team, your team, your players, which meant you had loyalty. 

    Now, the latest sports stories focus on the absolute details of athletes lives, their brushes with the law, and contract hold outs, it has become a circus.  No matter what sport you fancy, somewhere lies a controversy .  Every off season you’re guaranteed to hear the same old garbage spewed:
“It’s a business.”
“I’m just gonna test the waters and see what’s out there.”
“I want a new contract.”
“I want to be traded.”

    Yeah it’s a business, a business where no one plays through the contract they signed.  A business where the ridiculous is both shamed and celebrated.  It’s a business where players are betraying your team, or coming to the aid of your team.  The more I watch ESPN, it strikes me how much the professional sports has become more like the old school wrestling I watched as a kid, without the steel chairs of course.  But maybe steel folding chairs wouldn’t be so bad compared to the antics of today’s superstar athletes.  And is it any coincidence ESPN is right across town from the WWE headquarters in Connecticut?  Seems like they share employees an awful lot.

    Then I saw this video on youtube called “Lebron turns on Cleveland fans”(Link).  It portrays Lebron as legendary wrestler Hulk Hogan when he infamously turned on the fans and joined up with a fan hated team.  It’s a hilarious video and it inspired me to relate some of today’s biggest names and faces in professional sports to the characters in the old school wrestling I watched.  I’m talking about the Hulk Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage and Ultimate Warrior years.  You know, REAL wrestling, well, sort of, shut up, you know what I mean. 

“The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiasi

 This guy was great.  He was the ultimate “heel” (bad guy).  You couldn’t turn on wrestling and not see “The Million Dollar Man”.  His claim to fame was being notoriously greedy, making a mockery of other wrestlers, trying to buy off opponents and even trying to buy the championship title.  His catch phrase was “Everyone’s got a price!”  And believe me if there was anyone that could ever resemble this guy…George Steinbrenner.  Too Soon?  Nah.  He’d love it.  Love him or hate him, you talked about him a lot no matter what.  I always kinda pictured this guy swimming in a pool of gold like Uncle Scrooge in “Ducktales”.  Like the Million Dollar Man, George would find everyone’s price in free agency, whether it worked or not.  Easy to hate, impossible to ignore. 

Vince McMahon
 Proclaimed “Commisioner”, CEO, President, I don’t really know, but he is known for being responsible for the success of pro wrestling.  He’s the man behind the curtain pulling strings and writing scripts for live action soap operas that millions of kids and uncles named Gus watch.  And the key word is SCRIPT, it’s not real folks.  But it’s hard to think there could be a commissioner of a professional sport I could relate to such a dude right?! David Stern.  Duh!  Facepalm!  Since this guy’s been in charge of the NBA, there’s been countless conspiracy theories about fixed games, fixed drafts and some pretty dishonest game referees.  I mean, hell, ‘David Stern’ itself kind of sounds like a hack wrestler’s name.  I think the only thing keeping David Stern from being Vince McMahon is having started taking steroids at age 60 to somewhat resemble some of the athletes he’s surrounded by.

Razor Ramon
    Oh yeah kids, I went there.  *throws toothpick at you*  Razor Ramon was this giant of a man.  He was this greasy, Scarface type persona.  Razor Ramon was a constant thorn in the side of all the fan favorite wrestlers.

Razor Ramon was to wrestling, as what “the situation” is to TV.  I’m not even sure if that made sense.  Moving on, and to quote from the Razor Ramon theme song, “Here comes the bad guy…..” Jose Canseco. I don’t even know where to start with this ass hat.  Like Razor, he’s big and greasy.  And he’s one hell of a thorn in the MLB’s ass and roughly 112 players (to date).   Canseco’s trying to “save” the game from the same steroids he took and allegedly hooked on many other players.  It’s about time for a new book, huh, Jose? 

Miss Elizabeth
    Hubba, hubba. What a babe!  Miss Elizabeth was a wrestling manager.  This means she was the hot arm candy that would stand in her man’s corner while the rasslin’ took place.  Miss Elizabeth was not a wrestler, and she managed a few big name wrestlers such as the Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Sting…etc  Didn’t have to think too hard to think of a woman, who had nothing to do with sports, but was always around ‘em…hmmmm...Kim Kardashian.  Helloooowatch ESPN.

Yokozuna
    Sumo wrestler imported from Japan.  Big.  Fat.  Real fat.  Yokozuna’s claim to fame was being wicked fat, impossible to budge, and his finishing move was sitting his fat ass on some poor sap’s chest.  So this one should be obvious…Albert Haynseworth.  Another big, fat dude.  Haynesworth made a name for himself in Tennessee for being a monster defensive tackle, whereas Yokozuna made his money by laying his fat ass on folks.  Haynesworth waited 'til he got something like $100 million from the Washington Redskins before he started laying on his fat ass.  (Bright side ‘Skins fans, Haynesworth finally cleared to PRACTICE.)

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
   Good ol' Hacksaw may be one of the most popular wrestlers of all time.  Yeah, he probably had a few screws loose, but you rooted for him.  He’d be swinging around a 2x4 or he’d be pumping up the crowd yelling “oooOOOOHHH!!!” like a hundred times a night.  Plus, he loved America, waving our country’s flag and starting U-S-A! chants, the guy looked straight outta the trailer park but could electrify a crowd…And you know who else loves America?  Jared Allen.

Yeah this guy’s a trip.  Although, he recently got married and stated he’s losing the mullet and cutting back on the mayonnaise, the guy’s still as nuts as they get.  But no one can deny what he does on the field, a fierce DE on a strong Vikings defense.  People will call him crazy, call him a jackass, but tell me you wouldn’t want him on your team!

Plus I see a family resemblance…no? 

Doink and Dink
     Doink the clown.  Dink the clown midget.  These two were actual pretty popular wrestlers.  They were somewhat of a comic relief.  They would harass the superstar wrestlers, whether it be pies to the face, trip wires, spraying water -- they’re clowns.  Plus, one’s a midget…bonus.  But relating two clowns to two professional athletes? Easy…too easy…so easy it’s actually kind of hard deciding on just one pair.  I first thought of “Big Baby” Davis and Nate Robinson for antics and size differential…Then I thought of A.J. Burnett and Nick Swisher, seeing as somehow they’ve been dubbed ‘inventors’ of the pie after game winning hits….but then…free agency smiled upon me…T.O. and OchoCinco.  The definition of clowns.  Hell, I don’t care if one’s not shorter than the other, these guys win the Doink and Dink contest hands down.  The circus these two guys are going to put on this year will be straddling that thin line between entertaining and nauseating…just like real clowns.  And don’t forget that sideshow those two will have with Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson… If I don’t see 150 yards worth of touchdown celebration penalties I’ll be disappointed.

Big Bossman
The Big Bossman was a wrestler with a policeman gimmick who looked a hell of a lot like John Goodman’s ‘Walter Scoback’ in “The Big Lebowski”.  The Big Bossman oozed everything there is about why people hate cops.  After a successful match, The Big Bossman would handcuff his opponent to the ring and beat him with a nightstick…laying down the law and serving up a hot dish of pain…Roger Goodell.
A Big Bossman in his own way, though, seems like most people are pretty big fans of the newest NFL Commissioner.  He’s strict, demanding and his penalties are nothing to laugh about.  The big difference between Roger Goodell and the Big Bossman?  Roger Goodell doesn’t handcuff you and beat you with a stick…He invites you to his office for a ‘discussion’…then he handcuffs you and beats you with a stick and suspends you for a couple of games without pay. 

Tazz
Tazz was a wrestler best known for his “hardcore” matches.  This means he frequently used foreign objects, like tables, chairs, pretty much anything that can be used as a weapon.  Basically, this means the guy was a little hothead and often would break the rules of normal wrestling just to pummel his opponent with something more dangerous…These type of actions would result in a DQ…or in baseball…suspensions…Carlos Zambrano.  Big Z and his tirades and meltdowns are no secret among MLB fans.  Dude is pure loco.  His enemies include: the opposing team, the umpire crew, his own teammates, water jugs, game equipment…anything within reach… Either way, I bet the Chicago Cubs pay their water boys and bat boys double just because of the extra work they have to do because of Big Z’s temper tantrums…But, it’s okay, he’s sorry.

Jimmy Hart
AKA “The Mouth of the South”.  Jimmy Hart is an annoyingly famous wrestler manager, meaning, once again, he did not wrestle.  Jimmy Hart’s only role was to promote his wrestlers and try to interfere with their matches so that his guys would have a better chance at winning.  And he got his nickname “Mouth of the South” for guess what? Not shutting up…ever….Mark Cuban.  Annoying non-Athlete.
As we speak, Cubes is probably setting up a press conference to complain about how he got screwed out of trying to buy the Texas Rangers.  The guy doesn’t shut up, he’s cost the Dallas Mavericks more money than I could ever dream of having. But I do think he’s good for sports. Well, he’s at least good for a couple laughs.  I’d like to see him own an MLB team if any of the “good ol’ boys” ever allow it.  I’d like to see some teams other than NYY, NYM, BOS, CHC and DET spend some dough.

Jake “The Snake” Roberts
    Jake The Snake was one of the most dominant wrestlers in his time.  The gimmick Roberts used was to not only try to win the match fairly but he would bring a python snake to the ringside and try to prey on his opponents’ fears too.
And if Jake the Snake won, he would humiliate his opponent and let his pet snake coil up on the beaten body of his foes.  I hate snakes..Kobe Bryant.  The “Black Mamba”.  Is it pure coincidence he also has a snake for a nickname?  Well, yes, it definitely is purely coincidence.  I’m not here to deny Kobe’s abilities, one of the best of our time, as Jake was one of the best in his.  While Jake used a snake to psychologically intimidate and beat his opponents, Kobe used Shaq and Pau Gasol.  Kobe, you still haven’t done it alone, contrary to your own beliefs.  I HATE snakes.

Mr. Perfect
    Mr Perfect’s gimmick was that he was a gifted athlete who could perform the hardest tasks with ease.  He went undefeated for quite a long period of time.  Praised by peers as being “perfect” in the ring, and booed by crowds for his arrogance, Mr. Perfect was a polarizing figure.  And make no mistake, this next guy is not perfect, but…Tim Tebow.  He knows he’s not perfect, the world knows he’s not perfect.  However, Tebow’s personality and character is a refreshing thing that professional sports desperately wanted.  And I don’t think America’s in love with Tebow, I think they’re in love “with the idea” of Tebow.  While Bible-thumping is never a good thing in my book, I’m glad there are no stories of him running an illegal dog fighting ring, or sexually assaulting young women in bathrooms.  His skill sets are far from perfect, but he wins games.  I’ll let you pass on this one Tebow, but let’s cut it out on the underwear ads huh?  Also, look out for those Mormon women down south in Utah.

Koko B Ware
   Koko was one of the most entertaining wrestlers of all time.  He was always smiling, wearing the loudest most ridiculous clothes and came out dancing to a Morris Day and the Time song!  And he was holding a live, giant parrot the whole time!  I’ve never heard anyone say that they hated Koko B Ware.  He was like a living junkaroo party.  Emmitt Smith.  I’ve never heard anyone say they hate Emmitt Smith.  And after this weekend’s Hall of Fame speech, I dare anyone to say they hate him.  I hate the Cowboys BUT I can’t hate Emmitt Smith.  The guy was pure entertainment and always smiling.  It didn’t hurt his game was damn good too.  Plus, they sure did dress alike.  Did you see Emmitt in Dancing with the Stars?  Even better was the 1990 NFL Draft when Emmitt was wearing a polka dot suit…yup…polka dots.

Gold Dust
    I can’t tell you too much about this wrestler other than the fact he was a total creep show.  He wore gold make up all over his face, he would wear a long blond hair woman’s wig, and he would dress in drag on the regular.  Oh yeah, his finishing move was kicking the other guy in the beanbag.  A wrestler, dressing in drag, kicking guys in the nards…don’t look far…cuz we’re staying in the ring…Oscar De La Hoya.  Weird…Oscar’s nickname is the Goldenboy.  Even weirder is that it turns out that the Goldenboy likes to dress in drag, especially in women's lingerie while still wearing his boxing gloves.  Can’t make this shit up.  Well, at least De La Hoya doesn’t go around kicking guys in the nuts, right?  Yeah, instead he gave the entire world a kick in the nuts costing around $50 for that embarrassing Pay Per View event with Floyd Mayweather Jr.  I think a shot to the crotch would’ve been quicker and less painful than that joke.

Legion of Doom / Road Warriors
    Doesn’t matter which name you remember these guys as, they were bad ass and known as one of the best tag teams in wrestling history.  They wore face paint, had crazy haircuts, and they wore football shoulder pads with spikes coming out of them.  Together they were a pretty unstoppable force for a pretty long time…Chris Johnson and Vince Young.
I’m a believer.  I got lucky when I drafter CJ28 as a rookie in fantasy football two years ago and my wagon’s been attached ever since.  Say what you want about VY but he just wins, baby.  The way they played together last year at the end of a losing season was something to get excited for if you’re a Titans fan.  The option is going to be a cornerstone of their offense this year.  CJ28 and VY can both beat you with their legs and run for a long time.  It’ll have you singing the Road Warriors’ theme song.
rroooOOORRRR!! What a Rush!!!

Paul Bearer
    Here’s a creeper for you, kids.  Best known for managing and accompanying the Undertaker, this spooky little mortician would walk around with an urn, making perverse looks with his ultra-white face and uttering words with a voice meant for scaring children and disturbing babies.  “ooOOoo the power of the urn!”  Seriously how can anyone be that close to death?...Al Davis.  Am I about to make the 8 millionth Crypt Keeper joke?  Well if it weren’t so dead-on accurate I wouldn’t have to.  How bout this instead…The Grim Reaper wears a leather Raiders jacket? Okay?  Well, Al Davis looks like he’s as close to death as you come, and I’m not even making a Raiders joke, I think the team has a solid chance to be very competitive in their division this year and could see them going 8-8…My wish for this year…Scrap “Commitment to Excellence” motto, I want Al Davis on the sidelines driving a Rascal scooter rubbing an urn while squealing “oooOOooo the power of the Raiders”.  Merry Christmas to us all, and a ninth night for the rest of yas!

Lex Luger
    Lex Luger was known as “The Narcissist”.  Before he would make his way down to the ring for a fight, he would stand in front of a mirror, flex his muscles and just adore himself.  The other gimmick Lex Luger had was a running story line that he had a metal plate put into his forearm after a motorcycle accident.  The problem was, this plate caused one of his arms to be super strong, and it was illegal for him to use in a match…So imagine that…an athlete who is narcissistic, would pose in front of mirrors, and put something illegal into his body….Alex Rodriguez.
 Narcissist?

 Oh yeah…check…Posing in front of mirrors?  Not only did he pose in front of mirrors…he posed in front of mirror while posing for pictures for a magazine…big check….Putting something illegal in his body?  Yeah, I know there’s plenty of others, but c’mon…this was too perfect…Ginormous check.  The only thing that could make me dislike him anymore was if he played for a team I hate and he had the personality of a P.R. statement…check and checkmate!….way to make number 600 the feel good story of the year Alex!

DX
    DeGeneration X was a group of wrestlers who platformed themselves on being chauvinists.  And boy was it entertaining!  Sexual innuendos, pointing at their crotches, getting the crowd to yell “Suck It!”.  …And I still do it! Just kidding, well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.  DX was all for show, these guys were just on stage making jokes it’s not like they took it too far or actually assaulted women.  I mean these guys are actors performing a script, sure they may be sending mixed messages to impressionable kids but at least they’re not grown men who think it’s okay to cheat on the mother of your children with a hundred women or sexually assault multiple women on separate occasions in bathrooms because of some sort of self entitlement…Tiger Woods and Ben Roethlisberger.  I’m sure it’s tough being a star athlete, rich as hell and having women throw themselves at you.  I’m sure you have been picked up by women before and have grown to feel some entitlement, I truly do.  I suppose it comes with the territory.  If that’s the life you want, do it!  Just don’t get married…and public bathrooms probably aren’t a safe spot for bumping uglies.  Derek Jeter’s had a million babes..he hasn’t had these problems…

    But there’s a lot of members of DX…One in particular named X Pac.
And before he was X Pac he was the 1-2-3 Kid...
This wrestler really had no story or background except for one match when he upset Razor Ramon with the help of a quick 1-2-3 count thus making him, yup, you got it, The 1-2-3 Kid!  So who else could join the likes of sex-driven DX while making himself known for a quick pin?...Rick Pitino.  First of all, Rick, You beat the extortion, good job.  Second of all, thank you for now letting me use “pitino” as a verb.  It’s okay, dude.  Every guy has “pitino’d”  now and then it happens…It just so happens you did it with a woman who wanted to exploit you for cash. 

Ric Flair
I’m sure you know where I’m going with this one…This guy’s been around forever…He’s been around for longer than I’ve been alive…He was supposed to retire in the 90’s or something but I think he’s still kicking…And he would always come back to show some new, young star what being an old vet was like….Yelling his famous “WWOOOOOOOO!!!!” to the crowd…never got old…yawn…Brett Favre.  We should all just accept the fact that you will come back every year and play until you die.  Awww, you’re having fun…look at you…Every summer…does the old veteran still have it?...

Can he show the young qb’s how it’s done?...Aww look he’s growing a beard…You’re a good QB, everyone knows it, so stop it….STOP IT!...Ric Flair does it like clockwork….Makes a comeback…takes on the young hot shot…gives a “WOOOO!!” and the inevitable figure 4 leg lock to win!!!! And you’re gonna yell “WOOOOOOO!!!”

    And you Brett Favre, just like clockwork, you’re going to appear, show the young kids how it’s done, you’re gonna go be a “gun slinger” and then the inevitable interception in a crucial game at a crucial time to screw your team…just like clockwork.
woo.

    Well folks, that was fun….ladies, if you made it this far I probably owe you a dinner or an explanation…..goodnight and good luck…

that's more like it

   Thanks to some dear friends I recently visited Chicago, IL.  More specifically Lake View, otherwise known as Wrigleyville for baseball fans.  A vibrant city, with some very attractive women, and a refreshing excitement around town about a baseball team who has little to no chance of making the playoffs.  Wrigleyville has the feel of a college campus.  There are tons of bars, many college themed, and young people outside playing bags (aka corn hole) dawning hats, beards, sandals, and clothes stained because they have failed to bring their laundry home for mom.  And right smack dab in the middle is one of the oldest baseball stadiums, Wrigley Field.  A monument of America's pastime being celebrated on a daily basis.  It is truly a thing of beauty.  But what stood out to me most about Chicago, was how nice the people are.  And frankly, I don't like it!

    We have all been there, you are in a popular bar, attempting to get to your friends or the bathroom, but because it is so crowded you find yourself bumping into people.  For most of us there is an understanding that this is no big deal but for others, especially those who have had too much to drink and get off on the idea of punching someones teeth in, this pisses them off.  The results...at the very least you argue....at the worst, you get in a physical altercation.  Enter the city of Chicago (a true story).  While in a rather crowded bar I attempted to go from one end of the bar to the other to hit the John.  While on this journey, I was met by a large group of hotties and D's not unlike Moses being faced by the Red Sea.  Oh sorry, D's are d-bags, douchers, or douchebags.  When I attempted to make my way through the mixed sea it became clear that the water was angry that day.  Because I was bumping into hotties and D's up the yin yang.  This typical scenario usually ends with a dirty Puma and a black eye.  Waiting for some major ball busting I tread as softly as possible.  Instead of harsh words coming flying at me one of the D's helped me get through the pack by telling his "peeps" to "get out the way."  One of the D's began commenting about the Yankees hat I was wearing in disgust.  When I snapped back about the Yankees record the man began to laugh and we discussed baseball.  But wait, that sentence didn't end with my ass getting kicked or in a bathroom stall vomiting up gluten free pizza.  That's because people in Chicago are nice.  And frankly, I don't like it.

    When I got back to my friends and explained the incident, or lack thereof one of my friends, a native of Chi-town, smiled and told me that the people are nice here.  Another friend explained that people from the Midwest are just nice people.  I was astonished by what had happened, and slightly angered.  The trip continued for several more days, and similar occurrences transpired.  Nice people around every corner, to the point where I swear some old lady asked me to be a beneficiary in her will, all I had to do was spend a weekend in her haunted old house on the top of a mountain in Transylvania.  After sleeping like a log my trip had come to an end.  I said my goodbyes and made my way back to America's wang (Florida), still wondering why the people were so nice.

    When I got home I caught the new FX show "Louis" (starring stand-up comic Louis C.K.) in this particular episode Louis, a native New Yorker, is in Alabama performing his act.  After a failed set he runs into an odd redneck dude and sister, when Louis fortes the sister's sexual advances her brother attempt to assault Louis in the parking lot with a gun.  A male cop saves the day by knocking the perp on the back of the head with the butt of his rifle.  The cop drives Louis home, and when it seems as though the cop is trying to shake Louis down for some cash it is revealed that the cop instead wants a kiss on the lips - not because he is gay he claims, but because it would be nice.  When confronted with the decision whether he should kiss the officer Louis says that, "the South really is different.  I always say that people are the same all over the country.  But no, the south really is different."  Louis then decides to kiss the cop, a very odd yet hilarious ending.  I, like Louis, had experienced that cultures vary throughout the country.  I just didn't have to do it by kissing some smelly old dude.  This helped but I still wasn't satisfied.

   Not soon after making my way home (in South Florida) I went out to a disco-tech, or "bar" as you might say.  While at the "bar" I was once again pressed up against hotties and D's.  Except in South Florida you can multiply the hottness and the D-ness ten fold.  At first mone of the people I was bumping into said a word, until I bumped King D Meat Head the first, looking like he was straight out of the "Jersey Shore" (sorry Mike "the Situation").   Y'see the King has found the object he can take his insecurities out on, me.  After exchanging words (aka my apologizing while he admits he'd rather continue the conversation in a more outdoor setting) it becomes clear he'd rather not have my presence on his "side" of the bar.  I walked away furious, but drunk enough not to care and it dawned on me.  Yeah maybe people in the Chicago are nice, and maybe it is because it is in the Midwest but what if, and what seems more likely, it's just that a large group of people in South Florida are just plain mean.  Maybe, I have spent too much time in areas of this country where the people could give a crap about solidarity.  While the man's belligerence was not ideal, it did put me at ease.

Links of the day:

• Cornhole (tailgate toss, bean bag toss, baggo, dbags, or bags) is a lawn game in which players take turns throwing cornhole bags at a raised platform with a hole in the far end. These platforms are usually made with plywood or plastic and are often decorated. A corn bag in the hole scores 3 points, while one on the platform scores 1 point. Play continues until a player reaches the score of 21.  Thanks for that Wikipedia, the official rules are found at the American Cornhole Association.
• Feel like prank calling someone by having another persons number appear on their phone...no?! Yes you do, go to Telespoof.com.
• With hilarious and creative lists about everything from the "worst jobs ever," to "the least frightening cartoon bad guys," Cracked.com is hours of time wasting.
• Best movie of all time? This website decides through a chart that covers the gamut from "Back 2 the Future" to "Gone with the Wind."
• Video of the day:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Steve Carell from Between Two Ferns